“Oh sorry, we got it wrong, it’s actually a boy!” Yes, these are the words I fear coming out of my gynaecologist’s mouth come our 12pm scan today. I’m sorry if the headline is misleading, but this is really all I can think about, the only words jumbling their way through my head as I anticipate our doctor’s visit this afternoon.
To be honest I don’t really know what I would do if they told me there had been some kind of mistake or error in judgement. I mean I’ve spoken candidly on here about my desperate desire for a little girl but I’ve also spoken very openly about Gods plan for my life an trusting that he knows what I need. I also realise another boy would be amazing, if my boys are anything to go by anyway! But, she told me it’s a girl and I’ve put all my hope and excitement in that basket. The pink basket. The one with bows and flowers on it.
Yet, the “what ifs” are killing me right now- the fear that I may lose this experience I’ve already dived so deeply head-first into. I mean, I’ve bought clothes, put mood boards together for her nursery, envisioned the day I meet her in my head about a thousand times.I’ve gone as far as dreaming about her grown up, her fingers entwined in her long beautiful hair, telling me about the man she want to marry as we sip tea at my kitchen counter. What if, I’m told there’s been some kind of a mistake and my dream is ripped away from me in a single moment with a pathetic excuse of “sorry, we are not always 100% when it comes to these things!”
Like with many uncertain things in life, I find myself preparing for the worst. I go far as telling myself this is the case long before we have even made our way into the doctors rooms. I guess it’s my way of coping with fear of disappointment. I guess it’s my way of protecting myself against any form of letdown or dissatisfaction (for lack of a better word).
So I sit here in the early hours of the morning and as I type I pray. I pray for God’s peace to surround me in the hours leading up the scan and that no matter what happens I would be okay. Okay with whatever the outcome is.
And just like that I am freshly reminded of why I trust a God so much bigger than all of this – someone who knows me and loves me and puts all my doubts to rest, time and time again.