*WARNING: While there was no cheese eaten during the writing of this post it would appear our time in the winelands eating cheese could directly contribute to the high levels of cheese ahead. For those who have weak stomachs, I suggest you either click off or at the very least have a brown paper bag handy.
There are certain moments in a person’s life where you are hit with a startling realization or see something with a certain clarity you have never had before. It’s as though you have been sleepwalking your way through life for so long and all of a sudden, like a slap in the face, you are brought to your senses. All of a sudden the haze lifts and you can see clearly what you have been missing all along.
It would seem I have been walking around in a complete haze for the last five years. I have forgotten who my husband is and taken our relationship for granted. People who know me might roll their eyes in disbelief; my friends will tell you I’m talking a big crock of poop. But here’s the thing:
If you had asked me last week I would have told you our relationship was pretty strong. We don’t fight. We listen to each other and support each other through the good and the bad. We are a great team and don’t take things too seriously. (Except when he crosses the line and tells me to calm down.) We are good at making the time to â€˜connect’ and get away from the kids. We even have sex, which I thought had to count for something. If you had asked me last week I would have said We’re ok
But my moment of realization came when we went away for the night this past weekend without the kids. As we lay in bed in our cabin in the middle of the mountains we talked and connected in a way I have not experienced since we first met. I can’t tell you exactly what it was (it’s still something I’m trying to process and figure out) but it was as though everything seemed so much clearer to me. I realized in that moment how much time and space had wedged itself between us over the years.
Even though we appear close, there has been so much separation between us. Distance in the shape of kids and work. Distance that looks like sleepless nights, burping, swaddling, Bennett’s. Milk bottles, and doctor’s visits. Distance that now looks like late night at the office, work trips and school routines. Space between us taken up by our own worries, uncertainties and insecurities. So much distance.
I’ve been thinking about it since my little epiphany moment and I think I’m starting to make sense of what we go through as couples. Like for many of you, it all really started happening when we became parents for the first time. Slowly, our children begin to put this invisible wedge between us. A crucial wedge no doubt that was inevitable as we took on the responsibility of looking after another little life. On one hand our first child brought us closer together through a shared bond, but on the other hand, it was the starting point of being ripped apart by something so tiny. Just us? I feel I’m going out a huge limb saying this, but for us its true.
Their needs become more important than your own. Their needs become more important than your spouses. Slowly they begin to drive that wedge deeper and deeper. Slowly we begin to detach from each other as our focus shifts but, even when our children gain independence and their neediness becomes less, we forget to take the wedge out. It becomes a permanent fixture as we fill those gaps with other things like work and people.
We forget to remove the wedge. We forget how easy it can be to find our way back to each other, to close the once baby-filled gaps.
Like I said, I was walking around in a haze, completely unaware. But something happened this weekend where is saw my husband in a way I had all those years ago. I felt like a teenager again and it was a feeling I had long forgotten. Why are we sometimes so scared to find our way back to each other? Why are we so petrified to see what will happen if we remove the wedge? Are we scared too much has happened and we wont like each other any more? Or are we just tired of being needed by our kids that we can’t stand the thought of being under any obligations again?
I’m not sure what my reasoning was but friends, I am here to tell you that it’s going to be ok. Finding your way back to each other is a beautiful and life changing experience. Despite the fact they you may be different people to the ones you met, you may be surprised to find that there is still so much you love and desire in each other. You may even find, they have gotten better with age.
I urge you, remove the wedge. It’s taking up too much room in your relationship.
Tomorrow on the blog I’m going to share with you all the awesome things we got up to!! From where we stayed to where we ate to all the wine that we drank 🙂
Also some reviews and comps happening soon so don’t be a stranger around here!