I sometimes wonder if I’ve entered some sort of a Parallel Universe when it comes to how things work in my marriage. Let me tell you exactly what I mean before you all go thinking I’m about to let rip on the poor lad that is my husband. You see, what I really mean is that sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky, how so often he is the one reinforcing the importance of making each other a priority. You know? Date night, quality time, telling me that wants me to himself for a day or night. I wonder how it is that I got a guy that is more romantic than most, more so than me anyway. I mean isn’t it usually the other way round?
So often I am the one that gets caught up in the crazy, never stopping to acknowledge him in the madness – not because I don’t want to or because I don’t love madly him but because I simply forget to slow down and prioritise our time together. I forget how much I need the time with him, how vital it is to our relationship. Maybe it’s because we have a pretty good relationship – you know we never fight for longer then 30 seconds, we communicate well, support each other through the good and bad. We are each other’s safe place, through and through.
But if my darling husband has taught me one thing, it’s that we are never to old or too married to date and discover new things about one other. He always reminds me how important it is to spend one-on-one time together without the distraction of kids, or even friends for that matter. So often I forget how badly I actually want to connect with him.
I think as a mom I hide behind the reasoning that my kids need me more than he does. That they are my main priority. Yet time and time again he reminds me that for our relationship to be truly amazing on all fronts, we need to slow down and make time for each other. And so yet again, he will take the initiative and plan something for just the two of us. He is the one that calls the babysitters (or ropes the grandparents in), the one that plans where we will eat and what we will do.
Last week he took me on a day date where we literally spent the entire day together – kid-free! It started off waking up late (the kids had slept over at their legend grandparents the night before) and sitting on the couch with a cup of tea. Instead of scrambling for the TV remote, we found ourselves talking about our dreams and visions for 2017. In the quiet space, that on a normal day would have been filled with shouting kids and battery operated toys, we revelled in the quite and took the opportunity to talk. To properly talk. It’s amazing how talking intentionally like that reconnects you almost instantly.
Then we headed out for breakfast, walked our old hood in the City, did some furniture shopping and ended it off with a romantic lunch at the most incredible Japanese restaurant. In between it all we held hands and laughed and caught up on all the stuff we haven’t been able to talk about. And while I may have been a little more tired than usual despite having slept 8 hours the night before ( this baby isn’t going very easy on me!), we just had the most amazing time being together. No interruptions, no agenda, no worrying about whether the places we went to were kid friendly, because it was about US! And it felt pretty damn good I have to tell you.
So you see, I’m here to say i’Il be the first to admit how hard it is. I will be the first to recognise how blessed I am to have a man who does in fact pursue me and go out of his way to plan dates for us. But I am also here to say that maybe this is how it really should be. You see, when we enter relationships in the early days, men pursue the lady, they court them and woe them, try everything in their power to win them over.
And then what? You get engaged, get hitched and start your dream little family only to realise it’s one massive shit storm and before you know it, you barely recognise each other. It doesn’t happen over night, it happens ever so slowly, but eventually you both stop making the effort to show up to your marriage.
Sure, life gets in the way and kids will have an apocalyptic effect on any normal relationship. But I urge husbands to date their wives, to do everything in their power to make time alone together. Don’t get complacent and let the romance slide. If anything, it’s more important now are than ever – when you have come out on the other side of the whole procreation business.
And if your wife is anything like me, she has invested so much of her time into raising kids that she may have forgotten that part of herself and just how much she needs you. She may feel tired and unattractive, like she no longer appeals to you like she used to. She may forget what it feels like to be needed by someone other than her children. Remind her that she is needed. Remind her that she is still your number one. Of course while you’re at it, remind her that you want to be needed and need to be wanted still too.
So while I’m not saying there needs to be rule about who makes the effort here, I guess I am saying that I like it that my man does. And more often than not I think it should be left up to the boy to take the initiative when it comes to pursuing the girl in their life. Chivalry does not need to die when you say I do or when kids enter the picture. Put your thinking caps on, be creative, go the extra mile, but be the gentleman your wife married and date her! I get it’s way harder for those who don’t have grandparents close by but there are some ways to work around that. And if money for a babysitter isn’t always an option, how about a monthly babysitting swap with close friends? Guys, do whatever you need to do, but make sure you do something at least twice a month ALONE!
For some fabulous date night ideas go check out Date Nights – there are plenty of fun and fabulous ways you can spice things up on budget.
Leave a comment if you agree or disagree or let me know how things work in your relationship. Is it a two way street? Have you both gotten lazy? Has this inspired you to try harder? xxx