None of my pregnancies have been close to straight-forward, so I’m not sure why exactly it is that I thought this one would be any different. I guess i just waned to believe the best and in some ways i think you tend to forget the bad stuff. The same way you forget the pain of birth – I mean If woman really remembered the extent of pain they endured during child birth, I doubt they would ever fall pregnant again. Or even risk having sex again for theta matter.
But I already had my stint in hospital at 19 weeks remember? I was really hoping it would be smooth sailing from there on out. But on Wednesday last week I started having mild contractions. Well truth is, you never quite sure are you? Are they braxton hicks? Round ligament pain? You cervix just preparing itself for the inevitable? It’s such a guesting game half the time and you don’t want to come across as being over dramatic or thinking something is happening when it’s not. So you push through the day like you normally would, only ever half hour feel that warm period type pain moving from your groin down your legs. Its enough to mess with your mind!
So eventually I told Brendon how I was feeling while experiencing another pinch of pain and before you know it I’m on my way to hospital with half hospital bag packed. Deep down I think I knew i was fine and that the baby wasn’t coming anytime soon but something also made me what to be sure and know that the level of discomfort I was experiencing was normal for 35 weeks pregnant.
The monitor showed no sign of any major contractions (although funny enough the pain seemed to subside in that half hour I was strapped up) but it did show an “irritable uterus” which could have explained the braxton hicks I was experiencing. But just as I was about to leave my Gynea came to see me and told me she wanted to do a quick internal just to be safe. A quick little internal examination showed i was 1 cm dilated – not too uncommon for a 35 weeks pregnant woman who has had two babies exit her cervix before. But that combined with the fact that they picked up what might have been an infection in my urine meant she wanted to keep me overnight. I was given steroids for her lungs and something to stop the contractions and it seemed to do the trick! (It has since been confirmed I didn’t have any UTI)
So I spent 2 nights in hospital – an extra night receiving an iron drip which on it’s own had to be one of the most traumatic experiences as far as needles and drips go. Nurses and doctors have often struggled to find veins in my hands and forearm, but nothing could have prepared me for FOUR attempts – each time my veins kept collapsing and the needles just wouldn’t slide in. So after 20 minutes of poking and prodding and hitting nerves, they had to call the anethatist to help! He got it in on the top of my arm and they began the iron. Three months worth of iron in one sitting I might add! So here’s hoping that makes a difference to my petrol cravings!
But guys something has happened to me since I went into hospital. I went in to hospital calm and excited and feeling as prepared as one could to welcome a baby into the world. And then, I was put in the maternity ward with labouring woman who were pushing out babies every three hours. There must have been close to five births in time that I was there. One woman came in and was pushing her baby out within 15 minutes of arriving. On the second night my hospital companion and I woke up to the deep groaning of a labouring woman followed my the blood curdling screams of another a few hours later. It got pretty primal I tell you.
Now I’m not one to normally get freaked out and at the time I don’t think I really was all that phased. I mean you talking about a woman who watches birth videos before the goes to bed at night and who loves nothing more than than the thought of experiencing this miracle of birth for the third time. But coming home, I began to feel anxious and overwhelmed. You see, it’s very different watching something on a screen and sitting in a room next door to a woman who is actually in labor. I think the reality of it all sank in for the first time and I was transported to being in the that very place, re-living my last two babies births. And then it got me thinking how I have no control over how this next one will go. I don’t know how things are going tp pan out.
I think I also just got a fresh batch of hormones because I kinda lost my shit in one little moment after my first night home. I realised I was feeling overwhelmed and not in control of what was happening with my body, And it scared me. It still does.
I think it’s been a bit of a wake up call. But it’s left me feeling unprepared and nervous for what’s to come. Not only the birth, but the first few weeks following. Will my body do what its supposed to? Will i trust it to? Will I have the strength to say no to an epidural and give my body a chance to prove itself? More than that, am I trying to prove something by not asking for pain relief?
I want more than ever to experience the wonder and magic of natural birth. I want to feel my waters break and go through the emotions of running a bath at home, bouncing on a ball and talking to my boys between contractions and then arriving at hospital at the perfect time to deliver my little girl. I really want this.
But now that my body is playing tricks I’m starting to second guess it all. I realise I need to relinquish the control and go with the flow. And at the end of the day, I know that no matter what all will be well and good when I meet this little human. But for now, you will find me having a little wobbly ever few hours and dealing a fresh batch of preggy hormones because well this is my reality and this is how I’m dealing with the anticipation of the unknown.
Add to that the headaches and exhaustion I’ve had return in the last few days, I think it’s fair to say I am ONE HUNDRED percent over this pregnancy. Dramatic i know.
Anyway, thanks for listening. ♥