Do you ever feel like you are drowning in this whole parenting journey? Like as much as you try to get to grips with everything and be everything you can to your kids, you just keep dropping the ball and failing at the one thing you so desperately want to be doing so well?
I think you know what I’m talking about. Because if you are a mom, like me, you will know the feeling of not being enough and feeling like at times we are failing our children. We walk such a tight rope as we navigate the many pitfalls of parenthood. We constantly question our ability. We question our approach and how we handle the many situations we find ourselves in as moms. We question ourselves and whether we are even capable of raising kids without damaging them or falling short at every turn.
Am I too strict? Or am I too lenient? Do I give them enough or, do I give them too much? Do I tell them I love them enough, or do I tell them so often that they don’t even hear it anymore? Do they know I would do anything for them and that I will love them no matter what? Or do they know this too well and as a result know exactly how to manipulate me? Do I expect too much of them and forget that they are still young, or am I doing too much for them that they won’t ever learn how to do these things themselves?
Guys lately I feel like I’m slipping. I feel like I’m failing my kids, especially my boys, in so many areas. I honestly feel like the more I try, the more I get wrong. And I hate the person I have become in the last little while. Things reached a head last week where I had a little melt down while braaing with friends. I think it all just came to a head and i literally exploded. You know what they say about bottling things up!
We have been going through some stuff with Noah in the last month or so, and I think we have finally started to turn a corner which is a welcomed relief. I’m finally able to, for the first time in weeks, see things from a fresh perspective and make sense of things and all the areas that have contributed to the problem. I’m relieved but also feel like I have failed him.
Instead of asking the right questions and seeking help, I withdrew and tried to fix it myself. I didn’t actively try to get to the root of the problem or take the necessary steps in order to help my boy. Maybe it was the perfectionist/control-freak in me telling myself I could handle it on my own and that I had everything under control.
I think we so often make the mistake of trying to hear to do it all on our own instead of seeking help. I realise how much anxiety I could have avoided had I taken these steps sooner to getting to the root of the problem. Asking for prayer from your community, seeking professional help, chatting through things with a teacher and sharing your fears and anxieties with friends, does not make you weak. This requires courage and admitting that you need help and support is the first step.
Hindsight is a funny thing and it can often feel like it’s there to bite you in the ass. But I guess the other way to look at it is like this: Hindsight takes us back to the beginning, to the moment of impact. It takes us back to the fork in the road, where with a clearer head we are able to reflect on things and make sense of them. Hindsight helps us move forward and grow and ultimately, it’s the thing that helps us do better. ♥