This past Friday night I decided to go rather big. And by big I mean I actually put on some heels and a fair amount of bronzer. I even managed to paint my nails red without them getting ruined by the time I walked out the front door. Do you hear angels in heaven signing? Was getting the kids seen to, dropping them at granny, rushing around in the dark (thanks Eskom you assholes) and getting ready to go out even in the slightest bit worth it? NO. NO it certainly, most definitely, without the slightest doubt was not. And here’s why:
Back in the day going out meant you could start your Going out routine as soon as you got home from work. Usually with a leisurely bath, a facemask and some groovy tunes. And while you were at it, you could throw in a couple of glasses of bubbly (or a whiskey sour) and lie back and unwind before all the hard of having fun was to be had.
Nowadays you have to feed and bath kids, usually in between meltdowns and over tired tantrums, because anyone with a kid or 5 will tell you that suicide hour, on its own is a righteous bitch. Trying to get through it while attempting to take a two-minute shower, dry your hair and find something decent to wear becomes a logistical nightmare that’s enough to put Jason AND Freddy in their graves. Just as you get out the shower and slip into your new jeans, the kids come running towards you with the entire contents of the ketchup bottle in their hands.
I always try to get a head start and start the evening routine a little earlier, but time always catches up on me and I end up with one kid on my hip, the other around my ankles shouting “Don’t worry Brodes, I have her by the ankles, she’s not going anywhere!” while blow-drying my hair with one hand.
And then Murphy played a lovely little visit in the form of load shedding and screwed with my plan entirely. I had planned to spend 5 minutes longer than usual to try out a new smoky eye effect I learnt watching one of those cool You tube tutorials. I really wanted to look like this:
Trying to see which brush was which and knowing the difference between my lipstick and concealer or trying to rouge my cheeks was a tad tricky sitting in the pitch dark. There is quite a high possibility I ended up looking like this:
By the time we got the kids in the car which involved packing dummies, bottles, Benjies, dummy clips, sleeping bags, nappies, wet wipes and half a pharmacy and then having to go back in the house three times to get a special toy, same warmer clothes and a new sense of humor, we got all the way to grannies house to discover we forgot the milk.
Because my parent’s had guests that night they were more than happy to have the boys, but on the condition that we put them down ourselves before heading out. I spent about 10 minutes trying to do damage control to my hair and face before trying to settle Brody for the night. As fate would have it, he got a second wind from all the excitement and refused to go to sleep. It was now 7.20 and our Uber taxi was fetching us from our house at 7.30 and our dinner reservation was for 8 AND we had to fetch our guests from Spain on the way. I realized right then that no amount of alcohol or sushi was going to make this mission worthwhile.
By the time I got to the restaurant, everyone at the table took one look at me and said, â€˜get this lady a drink It was that or die.
I managed to perk up (thank you BUBBLY) and I even managed to get to the club where my hubby had brought down some international deejays for an event (his side job don’t worry) and put enough effort into moving my hips to pass as someone who was enjoying herself. I find this the saddest, i used to LOVE dancing.
I had a lovely time for about 5 minutes before realising I was the only girl there with a bum and one of the very few over 20. Why is everyone so skinny I kept asking them? Where have I been? Eating cupcakes and not doing enough running clearly.
I love it when people look at me and in horror (made more dramatic by the tequila) exclaim NOOOOOOO you don’t have kids, you haven’t been pregnant TWICE! But its all very short lived when I see them walk away with a gap between their thighs big enough to park my mom mobile and their shoulder blade cutting me as they slide passed.
I swore I would be eating veggie broth this week but here I am eating peanut butter on toast as I write this. Truth is I could eat veggie broth till it was coming out my ears but I will never be that girl. Thanks mom.
We were about to have one last drink at 1.30am when my husband and I looked at each other and said, Lets gooooooooo home and get into bed. I’m too old for this.
And my bed had never felt so good. The last thing I said as I fell asleep was I don’t ever want to go to another club again my love. Please don’t make me do it and as I fell into a deeper sleep, I began dreaming of the burger I would have the next day and prayed, for the love of God, that all the skinny girls in Cape Town would have one too.