There are many obvious things that are highly improbable in a world where kids run wild and rule the roost. But I have compiled a list of the everyday things that are only becoming less and less likely as my boys are getting older. Here are 50 unfeasible, almost utterly impossible things to achieve with two toddlers in the house. And you would be surprised with how quickly I got to 50. It’s impossible to:
1. Read a bedtime story without being interrupted at least 17 times, bringing bedtime hour to a wonderful, joy filled 2-hour event.
2. Drink a cup of tea. Drink a cup of anything hot without nuking it 15 times.
3. Mix a formula bottle without spilling half the can of powder all over the kitchen counter.
4. Keep your Tupperware draw in order for more than 10 seconds.
5. Avoid standing on Lego 100 times a day.
6. Grocery Shop without wishing you would rather herd a flock of sheep.
7. Enjoy a grown up conversation with a friend for longer than it takes to say Noah take your bum out of your brothers face.
8. Enjoy a sit down meal without getting up approximately 22 times in between.
9. Watch a movie from start to finish. Without falling asleep anyway.
10. Finish a blog/assignment in one sitting.
11. Eat anything of your own.
12. Call anything your own.
13. Go to a restaurant and relax.
14. Not run out of Juicy and snacks on a daily basis. Man do they eat.
15. Dress, feed, clean and pack for everyone and get out of the house without wondering if going anywhere is worth all the effort.
16. Pack for a holiday without wondering if it’s worth your sanity.
17. Come back from a holiday without feeling the desperate need for another (proper one).
18. Find a dummy when you need it. This will be the end of me.
19. Find a syringe that works.
20. Have an even moderately tidy house. For longer than 5 minutes.
21. Not have to do a load (or five) of washing a day.
22. Not wonder how your lovely little Iphone is going to survive yet another day and avoid its destiny of landing up in the bath or toilet.
23. Sleep in passed 7am (on a good day).
24. Read a book of your own without having to re-read the same page a thousand times before putting it down for good.
25. Go to the beach without packing everything but the kitchen sink. Literally.
26. Afford diesel jeans ever again. #sob
27. Sit through a full church service, talk or lecture without falling asleep.
28. Allow them to paint without having to redecorate.
29. Get through bath hour without the help of our trusty friend Chardonnay. (Or her cousin Merlot)
30. Not shout and repeat yourself at least 80 times a day. Make that 124 times.
31. Not feel the occasional need to book yourself into the nearest mental clinic for some me-time.
32. Hire a babysitter for date night and not enjoy sitting in the car for ten minutes after arriving home. Just to have an extra 10 minutes of silence.
33. Keep DVDs in their boxes.
34. Keep anywhere where it should be for that matter.
35. Get through bedtime without one more sip of milk, one more book, one more hug, one more kiss, one more:..one more:.
36. Wear white without owning bleach.
37. Avoid having your carpets professionally cleaned every 6 months, make that 3. Ok every 2 weeks.
38. Avoid the why? question with I don’t know. They will keep asking until you give them an answer.
39. Have enough toilet paper.
40. Give them sugar without regretting it precisely 2 minutes later. By then the only way to get through the rush is to have some yourself or better yet, a stiff drink to drown out the screaming.
41. Bath without having to clean a flooded bathroom. At times relay destroyed wooden floorboards. Yes this happens.
42. Not curse the person who invented loud toys. Especially ones with no off button. Who does that?
43. Travel by plane with children without having a panic attack. Just at the thought.
44. Feel sexy or beautiful ever again. Children are honest. Brutally so.
45. To sleep alone.
46. Not be slapped in the eye or kicked in the ribs while sleeping at night.
47. Not be woken at the sparrows fart with a toddler on your head.
48. Not be addicted to coffee.
49. Know what a core muscle is ever again.
50. Not have all the Barney songs imprinted on your brain for several years and even more impossible to not sing along to them.
So yes, these are all things that certainly cannot be avoided and sometimes I wonder if any one of them will be the last nail in the coffin. But to not want to kiss their chubby cheeks and laugh at their silly jokes, to not wish they could stay little forever, for time to stand still. To not want to do all of it a thousand times over. This is the most highly improbable of them all.