I’m in quite a weird space mentally at the moment. I feel like my mind is at war with itself, or rather that there are too many voices in my head (and out there!) telling me too many different things. Maybe my heart is just struggling to keep up with my overactive mind. I’m not too sure. I’m hoping you can help me make sense of it. Yes you, reading this post!
For as long as I have been writing this blog I have done it because it’s what I love to do. Because, it means I can regurgitate all my feelings onto a blank screen and share my deepest thoughts with women who find themselves in a similar season of raising children. It has been a way of making sense of some challenging seasons with my kids, as well as celebrating them and all their achievements and milestones. I have shared our story rather intimately because it’s what I have chosen to do and because without an outlet like this, I fear I would lose my mind. Writing certainly gives me a sense of control and clarity. Two things that are so lacking in the chaos of motherhood.
So I have kept writing despite the many ups and downs I have faced as a witter and blogger. I have kept writing despite my posts not reaching as many people as they used to (thank-you and screw you Facebook), despite the lack of engagement at times and the feeling that for the most part I’m speaking to a big black hole. I guess it’s because my reason for writing has never changed. Of course I want to write to share my story with other moms (that’ you!) and connect on a deeper level, but it never really mattered about the numbers. It didn’t matter if it were 20 000 women reading my posts a month or 200, as long as I was touching the lives of those few. I felt like my time spent pouring my heart out into posts, was worth all the sacrifice as long as I was adding value to someone’s life – be it encouragement, comedic relief, an insightful article or just an honest account about what it means to be a mom. One that would hopefully leave someone feel like they could relate and therefore remind them that they are not alone.
But lately I feel like it’s all for nothing. I know, that sounds so dramatic right? But I do. I feel like my thoughts and opinions and our silly little story isn’t really worth being shared, recorded or accounted for. Or at least not on a public platform like this anyway. I feel like it can all be so self-indulgent and self-praising (is that even a word?) and find myself asking “Are mommy bloggers becoming a little self-righteous and irritating? Do we think we know everything and that people have nothing better to do with their time than read about the moments that make up our trivial lives?” Ok sure, I realise most people read our posts by choice, but I just feel like our stories have become somewhat irrelevant. I feel as though so much of what we share can come across…… A little contrived.… dare I say it??
I hope this isn’t the case. I really hope you will stick around despite the apparent mid-life crises I find myself in. Do you really enjoy reading about these rather mundane things? What are the parts of our lives that you love to read about and why?
I guess I’m just experiencing some conflict of the heart and trying to remember what this blog is really even for? Will people miss me if I stop writing? Do my posts really effect people’s lives in the way that I had hoped when I began writing this blog? Will my children even care about all the stories I have recorded and the love letters I have written to them over the years? Because right now, that’s all that’s really keeping me going at it. Knowing that one day I will hand my children a piece of paper with login details and passwords to gain access to this little slice of internet pie. A slice of their lives no less, that hopefully would have given some moms more than just silly stories to pass the time once upon a time. A slice of our lives that instead, offered meaningful insight into what could have easily been left a story untold.
Hopefully being the operative word. ♥