I didn’t see it coming. Just like the last time. And the time before that. On the outside I seemed ok. To everybody else, I seemed in control. Life was manageable and easy.
I was completely unaware of the crash I was about to encounter.
I honestly never felt overwhelmed adding another child to our family and for the most part, the transition to three has been pretty gentle. I feel my capacity has grown with each child and when Hunter arrived 6 months ago, I was just so ready for her that I became instinctively and instantly wrapped up in this little cocoon of love and endorphins. We were invincible to exhaustion and low days. Life was crazy but somehow I got by with a certain ease you wouldn’t normally expect from a mom with a newborn and two busy older brothers.
Pic credit – Angela Rea
I would even go as far as saying that I coped better than I thought. Better than I did when our family grew from one to two kids anyway. I just got on with it and embraced it all. I was pleased to discover that we were not only surviving but actually thriving at life. And it felt good.
But about a three weeks ago I began feeling anxious again. Not hugely so, but enough to recognise these feelings as one of strain and exhaustion. Like an unwanted guest, making its home on my shoulders, telling me I was losing control. telling me I was going to start failing at life, little by little.
For someone who likes having control this can be a scary feeling. The first episode was over something as silly as getting Noah’s things ready for Grade 1. I couldn’t find the booklet with all the important information in it and in a matter of minutes my breathing became faster and faster. Brendon came into the room and found me bent over the couch, unable to breath properly. No matter how much I tried I couldn’t get my breath and eventually when I did, I just cried.
In that moment I realised how tired I was, How overwhelmed life with 3 kids can be for me. Not everyday. Not when I have everything under control. Not when I know what’s expected of me or what to do in a situation. But when I lose all sense of control and order, I panic. I sink.
And lately with the start of Grade 1 and Hunter becoming more active and just the general busyness of life, I feel like I’ve been hit with a huge case of overwhelm. Like the inevitable finally hit and Iv’e come crashing down off the initial high. I’ve gone from a confident, “I can do anything and fit it all in mom”, to an overwhelmed one drowning in to do lists and not able to get through the most mundane task.
Being tired doesn’t help and I know I need to have my iron checked (I suffer form anaemia and had an iron transfusion before giving birth to Hunter) because how you feel health wise can have a huge effect on your emotional state, but I feel like I’m losing the joy in parenting. I feel like all the tasks and chores and things I need to do to just survive are taking away from my ability to enjoy my kids. Do you know what I mean? Like everyday is just the same and we are on this hamster wheel of organised chaos. Even when the boys are at school I barely have moment to myself in between feeding Hunter and rocking her back to sleep (more about her day time sleep regression coming soon!) and before I know it, it’s time to fetch the boys and by midday I’m so tired I feel like I could sleep for an entire year.
And let’s not forget this happened last Friday on our epic date night…..
https://www.instagram.com/p/BeLSpv1h90b/?taken-by=leighgeary
I love my kids so much and my biggest intention in life is to enjoy these years, but I would be lying if I said that curling up on bed is a lot more appealing than playing lego and reading books. I want to be that mom that enjoys playing and engaging with them but I just feel like through all the admin, I’m missing out on really enjoying them. I have zero energy left in the afternoons to do all the things I say I’m going to do. I think to myself how nice it would be to go to Kirstenbosch, and then every afternoon but by 3 o-clock I’m convincing my kids to just go play outside so I can zone out into space for five minutes and not have to get back in the car again. I’ve become so listless at the thought of anything that requires too much effort and so these activities are quickly banished from the option table.
I’ve also become short with them and instead of intentionally trying to explain things or talk to them about something, I switch off. I just can’t seem to bring myself to their level at the moment. And then of course I feel guilty when I see their beautiful innocent faces sleeping in bed at night. OH GOD THE GUILT!!
Does it help that my 6 month old literally won’t let me put her down and scream blue murder every time she can’t see me? As precious as it is that she wants me all the time, I’m losing myself in this motherhood business and need time away from it all.
Do you ever feel like this? That there is this brick wall between you and your kids because everything just feels too much and you can’t cope with the admin of life?
Anyone have a house in the woods or by the seaside? Gosh is it really only THREE weeks into year?
I can soooooo relate. Been struggling with the same thing and it also started as routines started with school etc. Also feel like a hamster on a wheel all day every day. Feel SUCH guilt at not being the mother my children deserve and need sometimes. Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to be climbed on one more time or play transformers outside or help them roller blade. It all feels too much. Feel for you mama x
Its exhausting right? Its hard and tiring and frustrating and so much guilt! But i have a feeling we are not alone and its only a season! Will be thinking of you too xxx
This post just had me in tears! Was literally just telling my hubby that its all starting to feel too much for me! All these to do lists and admin inbetween just being a mom and having enough quality time with the kids(eldest 5 and youngest 5mths) also doesn’t help me thinking about having to go back to work again on the 1st of Feb
🙁
I envy our moms who could afford to just stay at home in those days to look after the kids (they prob still had the same to do lists but minus the admin and stress of work routine added to that!) :((
Oh friend, my heart aches for you as I read this as I know and feel your exact pain!!
This thing called life is hardcore, and even more so with three littles in our care 24/7!
We were exactly the same – on a massive high after having our Zoe, loving the third child and the new baby gorgeous ness and our family being complete and and and… One got sick, another got sick, hubs went away on business, I got sick, we had friend drama, w e had family drama, baby started teething, they all stopped sleeping – it was chaos!! And I lost all control – I didn’t sleep for days, I was run down, I am also anaemic and my levels were pretty much zero, I cried every day and I pretty much wanted nothing to do with my kids!
But a new day came, and I slowly started gaining control again. The beginning of the year was a huge learning curve for me – I had to make big decisions about my life and our family to make it all controllable and slightly easier in any way. I closed my business, we have an au pair to help with lifts, hubs has had to make some big career decisions – all to benefit us.
And we are slowly finding normal again – but this week has been a rollercoaster of emotions with my middle poppet not settling at school and hubs away again. Life is crazy hectic and busy – turning to our Father and finding a few minutes a day in prayer is helping this mama heart cope…
You are in my prayers my gorgeous friend – and I wish I could pop in for a cuppa, a hug, a cuddle and to give you a break. But I am always just a message away.
x
Sales you are just the sweetest. I wish we could talk face to face about all of this 🙂 Thanks you for sharing your heart with me and reminding me that Im not alone and thats its ok to admit defeat at times. I hate feeling like I’m failing but am reminded that we receive fresh gran daily an that God is in control even when I am not. I cannot tell you how much your comment has lifted my spirits and made such a difference to my perspective. Lots of love darling heart xxx
This post had me with all the feelings, feel like i am going threw the same we recently moved back to my childhood home town and have moved in with my in-laws ( while we sell our house and look for a new one ) and i don’t do well with so many people under one roof and add a 4 year old and soon to be one year old who i cant take my eyes off for a second in my in-laws non friendly baby safe house, feel i am slowly losing it i need to have more control, i no it will pass and Praying we sell soon and get our own place.
This all sounds so familiar! I’ve been there. The transition from 2 to 3 kids was so much easier that 1 to 2, at first anyway. But then things start to catch up on you, especially the tiredness! And just managing and doing everything for 3 kids is huge! It becomes very overwhelming. My circle of friends basically just accepted that I wouldn’t be at any of our usual afternoon playdates. The older kids moaned that we always stayed home. And I’d say, only recently, when my youngest reached 2 years old, have we started going out again in the afternoons. And even then, not everyday or every week even. It does pass. And the older two survived. But it is tough. And easy to lose the joy. Xx
Flip this sounds like my life haha! Thanks for sharing your experience with me and reminding me its not forever. Im slowly making my way out of the dumps, but the tiredness, oh my!! Strength to you mama! xxx
Totally get this. I have an 11-month old and I feel like I’ve just come out from under a dark cloud of helplessness and quicksand. And now we’re moving house and I’m due with #2 in July!
I know that this year is going to be hard and so I can mentally prepare myself for that, but on the other hand I wonder if it’s ever going to really get much easier as the kids get older. My son is a little whirlwind in my life, which doesn’t sit well with my controlling tendencies. You try to do everything and end up doing not a whole lot.
And look at that. This comment is just a rambling mess, because that’s my mind today. *sigh* and I can’t even have wine! Or have a bath!
Moral of the story: I feel your pain, as do so many others. And we’ll all survive, somehow, even if it’s not always how we want it to be.
oh honey i feel ya!! But like you say we are strong and we will get through ht challenging times. I think it helps to be honest with ourselves and ask for help when we can. Thank you for your encouragement and thoughtfulness, GOOD LUCK with number two, its always magical, no matter how chaotic so enjoy getting to know your new sweet little human 🙂 xxx
We mothers all feel like this! You have 3 little ones that are all wanting your attention and pulling you in every direction! Even though we want to be everything to our kids, but what about us, We also need to count as a person. We have to be selfish and put ourselves first! Might not be the same for you or every mother out there, but once I started doing that, I became a better mom! You’ll find your groove and all will be well again, once down, only way is back up again xxx