I’ve always been a “half glass full” kind of girl. Or so I think anyway. I like to think I generally look on the positive side of everything and don’t sit moping in a state of despair for too long. I see hope in much of life’s brokenness and I try to make the most of living in the now, sucking the marrow out of life every chance I get.
But for the last week my anxiety has begun to poke its ugly head. That feeling that life is so out of control and that no matter which way we look at, bad things happen all around us, all the time. The night time wakings have started again – its funny how these episodes creep up, slowly, like a sly animal waiting to pounce on its victim. I barely see it coming and then BAM, I’m suffocating in an overwhelming sense of fear and despair. So much so that I feel I can’t breath, overwhelmed by every tiny thing.
You see, part of having so much to appreciate and so much to be grateful for, is the very real realisation that you have so much to lose. What if one of my kids drowns? What if my baby doesn’t wake up? What If I get hijacked again and my kids are taken from me? What If my husband gets killed in a car cash? What If someone I love and live this beautiful and broken life with dies? Yup, very real and specific fears that I obsess over, their scenarios playing out over and over in my head.
You see my fear is always, ALWAYS centred around death. I’ve begun to obsess over it. Maybe in the hope that I can prepare myself for such a moment I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s not the way I should be living my life. And I know for certain that its not the way God intended for you or I to live it.
As much as I know God is real I can’t help but question life and all its unpredictability and the fact that good people are experiencing pain and loss everyday despite it all. I cannot fathom the senselessness of people taking the life another human being. How evil people must be to end a person’s life, for whatever reason. How one minute a person can be here and the very next they can be gone. DEATH, the thing we are all inevitably going to succumb to, yet so final and debilitating for those who are left behind.
I never used to think like this I assure you! I used to think I was invincible and saw my life ahead of me as this never-ending stretch of time that would just never come to an end. But now that I have kids and as I’m approaching my 40’s (5 years goes soooooo quickly!), I’m realising how short life really is, and how little time we have to really make it count. How vulnerable we all are as human beings, especially in this broken world we live in.
I’m not too sure what I’m really trying to say, but once again I find myself writing in the hope that I begin to make sense of these fears. I’ve always used this platform to open up about my feelings and my anxiety and to be transparent on my journey through life – and it cant all be smooth sailing with no dark times. Maybe I’m writing so that I can get it all out and know specifically what to pray for or to hopefully get some encouragement from those reading this, or to help others know they are not alone? Maybe these words typed out here are in fact my prayers, my words spoiled over, where in the quiet space as I sit on my bed with my sleeping baby beside me, I can call out to God and ask him WHY? WHY does life have to include seasons of pain and heartache and loss and sadness? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is there so much suffering in this lifetime?
Maybe this will be my prayer – That we would know God better through our pain and be reminded that no matter what, He is with us. That one day, we will all be together, free of pain and worry and any type of sadness. That we would learn trust God in everything we do here on earth so that until that day comes, we are living our lives to the fullest and making every moment count. That we will learn to live a life free of anxiety and know that while we can’t control everything, though it may not always seem it, He can.
Theres’ a scripture that my mom always reminds me of which I would like to leave with you. Hebrew 11.1 : Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.
I pray for all of us who worry about the future and all its uncertainty, or of bad things happening, that we would be reminded of this and learn to put our trust back in a God that is way bigger than any of us.
What do you worry about and what has encouraged you in times of anxiety?