It’s strange how our brains work, how we process things or make sense of life. We really are quite complex human beings right? And this way of thinking and deliberating over life’s mysteries often spills over into how we see our lives unfolding – we plan, we dream, we envision what are our lives are going to look like. Somehow we play puppet master to our own lives, acting as the mastermind behind each scene, right down to the final act. We do this even though we all know there are far bigger forces at work and that life very seldom pans out exactly the way we think.
Before kids, this kind of mentality was very apparent in my own life – I had it perfectly planned out in my head that I would have little girls. Of course that whole “plan” came crashing down when I was told I was having a little boy and then two years later, was told I was having another one. I surprised myself though and settled so easily into my role as a boy mom. In fact I came to realise just how good of a boy mom I really was! I even asked myself “Why was I so caught up on having girls when I get to experience this?? How could I ever have dreamed for anything other than what I was given” And although my dream for a little girl never really went away, I never felt as though I was missing anything or that that there was a missing piece to our puzzle. My boys completed me in every sense of the word – and they continue to be enough now.
So falling pregnant this time was never about filling a gap or space on my heart or “trying” for a girl. Because we all know that at the end of the day conceiving boys vs girls is really much like farting against thunder. You can google Dr Shettles ’til it’s coming out of your ears, you can time your ovulation cycle or stand on your head after sex. You can even go as far as douching with vinegar before the crucial act, but hell, there are no guarantees that you will have gender you think you so desperately desire. Gender selection may have a few scientifically proven facts to go by, but at the end of the day, nothing is set in stone.
We tried to fall pregnant – Ok I say tried but we have worked it out that it was literally on the first shag that this little peanut was conceived which means trying is a bit of an over exaggeration (in fact the hubs felt a little cheated as far as the real fun is concerned) – We planned to fall pregnant not because we wanted a girl, but because we wanted another baby. If anything we made peace long before trying to conceive that there was a very high chance this baby would be a boy. The stats say there’s like 52% chance of having a boy vs 48% chance of having a girl but some stats say your chances decrease each time you have the same sex, who the freak knows! What I do know is that the second I found out I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with joy that there was a life inside me, no mater the sex. And if the stats were anything to go by again – we have two (out of two) GORGEOUS, absolutely exquisite little boys, which means statistically, our third would be just as heavenly and delicious.
I won’t lie and say there weren’t many moments leading up to that fateful day where I longed to be proved wrong in my made-up mind and prayed with all my might that this little bean would be a girl. But I will say that walking into that Fetal Assessment Centre that day, it very quickly became the last of my worries. Going in there, you are faced with the reality of possible Down Syndrome, heart abnormalities and other serious defects like spinabifida. You very quickly realise that a healthy baby is all you really want.
That together with the fact that I had already convinced myself it was another little dude – and going so far as saying I was excited about the prospect of seeing three little brothers grow up together, meant I had made my peace and accepted my blissful fate of being an all-boy mom.
Naturally we both began referring to the wriggly little baby on the screen as a “he”. All through the scan we would say things like, “Oh me gosh, he looks like Noah” or “He’s so beautiful!” or “I bet he’s going to have his brother’s lips.” So when the Doctor got toward why end of the scan and without much warning said ” I don’t think you should be calling this little one a he, this is a little GIRL!” i just about almost died of shock. Like, I looked at Brendon to see if he had heard the same thing and then looked back at her and said ” No, It can’t be. Are you sure?” Of course, that moment and all the overwhelming excitement that came with it, will go down in history as one of the most indescribable and joy-filled moments I have experienced in this life.
So you see, once again, I had it planned out in my head – I told myself how it was going to be – I left no room for fate or the sheer mystery of life. Isn’t it so backwards? It reminded me of how we so easily forget to let go and let God steer the trajectory of our lives. It reminded me of how we try too hard to control everything and convince ourselves of what we think we need or how things are going to unravel. We time our ovulation, we squirt vinegar in places we normally wouldn’t, we change our diets, we make it a scientific experiment. We play devil’s advocate to our own lives, when we should just be trusting that God is the only one that really knows what our future looks like, and that every so often, when we least expect it, on this wonderful adventure called Life, God surprises us in ways we never could have imagined.